My 15 Favorite Paulie Walnuts Quotes from The Sopranos
There’s just no substitute for Paulie “Walnuts” Gualtieri. Played by Tony Sirico, Paulie Walnuts started in the game way back when Tony’s father, Johnny Boy, was in it. Side note: It made complete sense when I first read that Tony Sirico had been arrested 28 times and that he did his own hair for the show in real life. With that said, here are my 15 favorite Paulie Walnuts quotes from The Sopranos. (By the way, these are not in order by most to least favorite).
1. "Your mother was working the Bon-Bon concession at the Eiffel Tower."
– Big Puss: What’s going on with that Princess Di?
– Paulie: Last time I take a limo in Paris.
– Christopher: Like you were ever in Paris.
– Paulie: I went over for a bl*wjob. Your mother was working the bonbon concession at the Eiffel Tower.
Paulie Walnuts Quotes #2: “I was born, grew up, spent a few years in the army, couple more in the can, and here I am, half a wise guy, so what?"
– Christopher: Where’s my arc, Paulie?
– Paulie: Kid…Richard Kimble, the Devil’s whatever, those are all make-believe. I got no arc either.
I was born, grew up, spent a few years in the Army, a few more in the can. And here I am. A half a wise guy. So what?
3. “I don't know what it's about, but the T.V. stays here."
4."My name is Clarence."
Paulie Walnuts Quotes #5: “This guy gives him the works: MRIs, cat scans, dog scans, you name it.”
6. “You add up all your mortal sins and multiply that number by 50..."
– Christopher: I forgot about purgatory.
– Paulie: Purgatory–a little detour on the way to paradise.
– Christopher: How long do you think we’ve got to stay there?
– Paulie: That’s different for everybody. You add up all your mortal sins and multiply that number by 50. Then you add up all your venial sins and multiply that by 25. You add that together and that’s your sentence. I figure I’m gonna have to do 6,000 years before I get accepted into heaven and 6,000 years is nothin’ in eternity terms. I can do that standing on my head. It’s like a couple of days here.
Paulie Walnuts Quotes #7: "That's what this is you know: Satanic Black Magic."
– Psychic: He can’t hurt you. Don’t be afraid. I understand . . . I feel your anger.
– Paulie: Who the f**k are you talking to?
– Psychic: Charles. Yes, yes. You have a son. You’re with your son?
– Paulie: What the fuck? I don’t got no kids!
-Psychic: Oh, Sonny. Pagano? Kind spirit, is your name Sonny? Charles Pagano.
–Paulie: How the f**k do you know that?
– Psychic: He says he was your first. But I feel many more.
8. "But irregardless, I should've had immunity to all of this sh*t. I should have been covered by my donations."
– Priest (to Paulie): Psychics are heretics and thieves who practice witchcraft. There’s no validity to anything he told you. Your problem’s a spiritual matter.
– Paulie: Maybe. But irregardless, I should’ve had immunity to all of this shit.
Paulie Walnuts Quotes #9: "You ever go to tie your shoes and you notice the end of your laces are wet?"
– Paulie: You ever go to tie your shoes and you notice the end of your laces are wet? Come on, why would they be wet?
– Hesh: Come on will ya.
– Paulie: He’s asking me and I’m telling him and frankly it’s important. Even if the laces dry and even if you don’t touch the body of the shoe, bacteria and virus migrate from the sole up.
– Christopher: You see this on TV?
– Paulie: You look at lady’s johns, you can eat maple walnut ice cream from the toilets. Eh! There’s exceptions. But the men piss all over the floor, urinals jammed with cigarettes and moth ball cakes.
10. "We'll just have a little look around..."
– Paulie: Sorry for the intrusion, honey. Put something on and come out here.
– Christopher: You can’t f**kin do this like this!
– Paulie: I can’t? You must’ve not read up on the latest rules. And put that piece away . . . Make yourselves comfortable. We’ll just have a little look around.
Paulie Walnuts Quotes #11: “If the boss says you're Santa Claus, you're Santa Claus!"
– Paulie: I used to think the elves were their kids.
– Sil: They were running a sweatshop over there.
– Paulie: There was something on TV, the original elves were ugly, traveled with Santa to throw bad kids a beatin’, and he gave the good ones toys.
12. "Don't touch that! My program's comin' on."
Paulie (While talking to Johnny Sack on the jail phone):
Well, I… leave that. Don’t touch that, my program’s coming on!
Paulie Walnuts Quotes #13: “When I was a kid, you two were old ladies. Now I’m old. And you two are still old.”
– Paulie: Are you here, too?
– Minn: Not yet, but it’s all paid for. I’m gonna move in after my hip surgery. Minn comes twice a week for lunch, in the meantime. She’s one of the girls. Look how you’ve grown up, Paulie.
– Paulie: I know. I don’t understand. When I was a kid, you two were old ladies. Now I’m old, and you two are still old.
14. "Wasn't it a meteor? They're all meateaters!"
– Paulie: That’s why dinosaurs don’t exist no more.
– Feech’s date: Wasn’t it a meteor?
– Paulie: They’re all meat eaters!
– Christopher: Meteor, meteor.
– Paulie: Take it easy.
Paulie Walnuts Quotes #15: "Sun Tuh-Zoo! The Chinese Prince Matchabelli!"
-Tony Blundetto: It’s hard to believe. My cousin in the old man’s seat.
– Paulie ‘Walnuts’ Gualtieri: It’s like “Sun-Tuh-Zoo” says: a good leader is benevolent and unconcerned with fame.
– Tony Blundetto: What?
– Paulie ‘Walnuts’ Gualtieri: “Sun-Tuh-Zoo – He’s Chinese Prince prince Matchabelli.”