It’s funny how life works. When I was younger, I thought I wanted nothing more than to get as far away from New Jersey as possible. Like, North American landmass between us far away.
But the truth is, I didn’t want to leave New Jersey. At least I didn’t think I did. It’s hard to know how much of what you “want” is what you actually want, as opposed to the outcome of a mind worn out from constantly feeling the need to rationalize the choice to live the path of least resistance. In other words, are we just trying to fool ourselves about this being the kind of life we dreamed of living?
Sometimes, I feel like I’ve got my sh*t together, and then other times, I feel like I’ve regressed back into the womb. That’s the thing: When you’re younger, you’re so sure of yourself. I mean, you think you are, anyway. You’ve already got it all figured out. And then the older you get, the more you realize just how little you actually know. And in some cases, how little people actually know about you.
On some level, I always knew growing up that so much was predicated on bullsh*t, but what was I supposed to do? I knew how my dad made a living…mostly. But honestly, was it that bad? Half of my friends’ dads did things that were probably just as shady, only they wore a suit and tie and worked on Wall Street.
I jump when I suddenly hear my name called in the waiting room. You may be asking, “Why are you here?” Well, let’s take it from the top:
It was a couple of weeks ago. I was at the office one night working really late, and I hadn’t had time to eat. And on my way home, I was having this strange craving for onion rings. Before I knew it, I pulled up to this diner I hadn’t been to in a while that has basically the best onion rings in the state, and I was trying to park the car so I could run in and grab an order to go.
Well, I was trying to parallel park, but just when I felt like I finally had it down, one of the tires hit the curb, and then all of a sudden, BOOM. Everything’s black. My dad used to say, “You’re all me. Nothing gets by you.” But something did one night. And then I think to myself, “Why the hell did we go out to dinner that night anyway? In the middle of all that sh*t?”
I know I’ve got a lot of baggage to unpack, and that’s why I’m here. Because my last therapist, let’s just say, REALLY SUCKED. So, let’s see how this goes. STAY TUNED…